I’m not a great cook.

I will never be on Iron Chef, unless it’s to watch from the stands or better yet, be a celebrity judge.

But that would require me being a celebrity, which invokes visions of weird guys with cameras hiding in bushes trying to snap pics of me taking out the garbage in the morning in my jammies…


…and me going all Sean Penn on them and being charged with assault….


…and then pleading down to simple battery, resulting in having to pick up everyone else’s garbage along the interstate while wearing an orange jump-suit.


So for that reason, I don’t cook much.

However, when I’m dieting, like I am now, being a little Spartan in the kitchen is a good thing. Sticking to a food plan is easier if you limit your choices, especially if you’re capable of eating ridiculous amounts of food when the moment strikes — and in my case, that moment can strike at any damn time.

So I have a handful of easy to make yet clean and tasty go-to’s that I frequently, well, go to.

Eating this way may get boring but it’s a heck of a lot easier to stick to your macros when you do, and besides, there will be plenty of time to indulge my inner epicurean when I don’t have a physique goal looming on the horizon.

Near the top of my go-to list is this variation of the illustrious protein pancake. I won my wife’s affection with this recipe. Maybe it will work for you? Preferably not with my wife, please, unless you’re Eva Mendes.

Eva Mendes

Then I’m sure we can work something out between the three of us. After all, I’ve got a lot of love to give.

You will need

• 1 cup egg whites. You can add a whole egg or two, if the numbers work.


• 2/3 cup gluten-free oatmeal (Want more carbs? Use more oats. Want less carbs? Use less oats. On a zero grain diet? Eat a steak.)


• 1 scoop vanilla protein powder (a milk protein or casein blend works better than straight whey).

• 1 dash cinnamon (yeah, I said dash).

• 1/2 teaspoon real vanilla extract (cause it costs more than the fake shit).

• 1 tablespoon gluten-free pancake mix.



• Put all the above in a blender.

• Blend the hell out of it for 30 seconds.

• Pour loving mixture onto a large fry pan generously coated in cooking spray and set to medium heat. You can even add fresh blueberries to the batter while it’s cooking and pretend you work the day shift at IHOP.

• When it starts to form/set/bubble, flip the massive pancake over so the other side can cook. Be careful here or you’ll make a huge mess and get pancake batter all over your Spiderman Under Armor shirt. Not that anyone would notice.


• Once all the liquid-ness has cooked away, slide the pancake onto a plate and top with, well, toppings.

If you’re dieting, use piss and vinegar (or maybe sugar-free syrup). You off-season yahoos can use jam, bananas, peanut butter, whip cream, or Nigella Lawson’s old underwear. Whatever fits your macros, broski.


That’s it. Don’t forget to clean the blender. Meh, do what you want.

I admit, it’s not exactly like brunch at the Grey Dog in NYC (holla!) but it’s cheap, easy, and kinda tasty. Like that girl you met once out front of a Motley Crue concert.

As you were.